Question: How tot tell if someone is a narcissistic

Garrett Kennedy answered on 31 May 2022:

Great question. It is a complicated thing to answer but I will give it a go. 🙂

To understand what narcissism is, we need to understand what a ‘personality’ is.

If you search online for what the word ‘narcissism’ means you will usually find it labelled as ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. That term comes mostly from the medical profession, and is based on a belief that there are ‘normal’ and ‘abnormal’ personalities.

Psychologists like me usually view ‘personalities’ as a set of fairly stable ‘traits’ that shape how we interact with the world around us. They are the result of our development over our entire lifetime – so come from what happens to us from childhood all the way up to adulthood (*and our personalities can change a little more over time depending on life experiences we have as adults). In general: our personalities shape how we see other people, ourselves, the world in general, and how we should behave in it.

When we describe someone as ‘outgoing and confident’ we probably mean they believe things like “I can talk to other people, I can handle whatever conversations come up, and I am generally safe in the world”. Someone who might be shy or anxious might instead believe “other people will reject me, I will mess something up, and I am not safe in the world”.

The things we have been through ‘teach’ us to see ourselves and other people in particular ways – so someone who could be labelled as narcissistic might see themselves as “better than other people”, or other people as “not worth as much as me” (*I am over simplifying things here, because it is complicated..).

We also need to think about relationships. If healthy relationships need two people who are equals, mutually caring, aware of each other’s emotions, and able to be vulnerable with each other – we can think of it as someone who might have difficulty forming or keeping healthy relationships, because they have difficulty allowing others to see past the ‘better person’ image they can sometimes show.

I have met many clients who had been labelled as narcissists before they came to therapy with me. I tend not to use the term, because it overlooks that people’s personalities are there to help them survive in life.

To answer your specific question about how to tell:
There are psychometric tools we have to test whether someone has narcissistic personality traits, but they are not too reliable. You can learn to see patterns in how people relate with others when you have more experience with these sorts of things, although you do not have to train as a therapist.

You could start with asking things like:
– is this person able to be emotionally vulnerable with me?
– do they notice the impact they have on me/other people?
– are they aware of other people’s feelings?
– do they present an image of ‘being amazing’, and need other people to keep recognising how amazing they are?

And maybe keep an eye out for some of the classic narcissistic behaviours, such as:
– tending to perceive rejection from others, and then being quick to anger about it.
– need for admiration
– being an authoritative person on many things
– grandiosity – seeing themselves as excellent at everything, and not really recognising when someone was not so great.
– entitlement – feeling that the world owes them something.
– arrogance (sometimes), and some people can feel like they get to do what they want and the consequences do not matter.
– difficulties with empathy (*the ability to understand other people’s emotions).
– acclaim – needing others to recognise accomplishments and validate them.

Ultimately it comes down to relationships: if you are wondering if someone is a narcissist you are probably feeling something is not quite right in the relationship you are having with them. It can be helpful to everyone if you understand what your own needs are that are not being met, and then see the other person can understand where you are coming from.

Hope this is helpful,

-G